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How To Life Solomon Islands

Aunties discover a new way to use sanitary pads (and you won’t believe what happens next!)

September 18, 2018

Apostolic Jerusalem Anointing Oil, step aside. There’s a new kid on the block.

We were at the market this morning looking for coconut oil when we finally happened across the infamous Pad Gel we’d heard rumours about.

Ladies, wait til you hear you’ve been using sanitary pads wrong your whole life.

Pad Gel is a locally made healing gel that looks like bubbly glue. It comes in a clear 250-350 ml plastic bottle, the same bottles homemade coconut oil from the markets come in, and only costs SBD 10 (compared to an SBD 30 bottle of Jerusalem Oil).

Printed over an image of the Solomon Islands Flag, the label states:

Contains Negative Iron Core

Improves blood circulation
Releifs pain
Treating inflammation
Strengthen immune system
Enhances hormonal balance
Removes fatigue or tiredness
Enhances metabolism
Refresh the skin & remove body odour

That’s a lot of promises from such a small bottle so we interrogated the market ladies for more information.

“How iu makem disfala gel?”

The Market Lady pulled out three packs of sanitary packs and pointed to the special text: “Negative Ion Core”. Turns out sanitary pads are not made equally and only special ones with negative ions can be turned into Pad Gel.

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We compared the text to the label on the bottle… “CONTAINS NEGATIVE IRON”.

Aren’t iron and ions different things?

Bah. Semantics.

Market Lady tore a sanitary pad down the middle and pulled out the Holy Grail of the Sanitary Pad, the negative ion core, which comes in either blue or green, colours we associate with good health. Fantastic. If you’re ever in doubt as to whether you’re buying the real thing or getting jipped, look for the ion strip.

Market Lady explained, “takem diswan, mixem with water.”

The ion strip flapped around between her fingers as she talked. Dissecting and discussing a mauled sanitary pad in a public market like this is a first for us.

She ended her demonstration with, “Iu makem yourself if you like”.

Just. Add. Water.

I couldn’t believe it. I can make this myself?!

Needless to say…

We would recommend buying a premade bottle first so you know what you are trying to recreate.

Personally, we have been massaging ourselves with it post-exercise and smearing it into our armpits to combat body odour. It feels like hair gel in your armpits but thorough arm-flapping will ensure it gets rubbed into the pores real good. We’ve also started using Pad Gel for washing our hair because of the oily head prints we keep leaving on our pillow cases from anointing our heads with Apostolic Jerusalem Anointing Oil. Also great for headaches – apply to forehead, wrap towel around head and expect good results within 48 hours. Toe jam – fantastic. Liberally spoon into shoe around the toe area.

With the powers of Jerusalem Oil and Pad Gel combined, we are confident that our immunities have been boosted to the point that we are now invincible against all ailments of the world. But shh, don’t let Big Pharma know that you’re in on the secret.

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